Missing You is Suffering

just ask my soul

I had one of those weird moments in life. It was one where my acute awareness of time and my thinking mind were simultaneously out of sync. My timing was off. It was not the concept of time that ticks away on a clock. It was the “who am I? Where am I? How did I get here?” kind of moment. A complete absolution from existence. Oh, how nice! But beware! For the most suffering that has ever occurred to me was coming back to reality and remembering who I am.

I noticed how cozy I felt looking out the window at the sun rays being handed down from heaven. They were the soft orange type of a gentle morning that scratches your nose and not the bright, almost white, orange of the high day that so often accompanies blindness.

In fact, for a moment, as we shall see, I lost myself entirely. Everything felt right. But buried deep down inside there was a part of me that wasn’t feeling the same. I was relieved that it didn’t hurt for a moment! But I knew it was mine. I knew the hurt that went missing was indeed all mine. I knew my soul would want it back. I was not even going to argue with that part of me, that member, that sat squished and wet and had absorbed all that suffering! How could I? One could see just by looking at it, sitting there in the dark, that truly it was accustomed to suffering.

But what kind of suffering? Am I having an anxiety attack? No, something is always wrong. I thought about it even more for a second time. What could be wrong?

It was a very real part of my existence that was reminding me, “hey, don’t forget that you hurt.” I was not sure why I should be hurting. I had all my limbs, I didn’t have any jaw or tooth pain, and my dog was ok. Nobody died recently. For that is the spot that hurts, isn’t it? The one when people die? Would I ever be able to enjoy these fleeting moments of pleasure in my life without questioning them? Blasted sunrays!

Look how those mighty hands and arms extend themselves at your expense! Tick! TOck! TIck! Tock! Does it ever stop? No, it just takes and takes and takes! It just gets louder and louder! Finally, just lying there in all your suffering it’s all you hear. Tick! Tock! TIck! TocK! Just like those goddamn Russian authors! Chapters and chapters of nothing but that goddam clock ticking away!

Then it looked up at me and removed its hands from its saddened eyes and droopy face. It looked almost relieved for it knew I was getting closer. I kept thinking, who died? That spot deep down inside spoke to me again. This time without moving. It just sat there waiting for the familiar suffering to begin. But why? And suddenly, I began to feel something that was familiar to me. Then the flood gates began to swell.

Then I remembered what it was. It was as if we made eye contact but, of course, through some other means, and it was deeper than that. It smiled right before I said it out loud, “Oh, yes. You didn’t die but you aren’t here! And never will be.” Then, together, we rightfully returned to that sad state of suffering we know so well, me and my soul.